The Invisible Suffering of Flashbacks
By Rebecca Prolman, LMFT
It was 2017. I was sitting on my bed on a Saturday afternoon, in my room in an old apartment I shared with roommates in Berkeley, CA.
My heart was racing, and I felt this unsettling vibration in my chest like something terrible was about to happen. Thoughts started flooding my mind, like I was trying to have a conversation with someone in an attempt to calm down.
But I didn’t know what was wrong. Everything around me seemed normal, but something felt... off. Eerie, even. It was such an awful feeling—I didn’t know what to do. Maybe I should meditate, I thought.
So, I crossed my legs on the bed, closed my eyes, and began taking slow, deep breaths. But as soon as my eyes were shut, horrible memories started flashing through my mind. Memories of being 16, when I was locked in a place that called itself a “treatment center”—a place that has since been shut down for child abuse.
My breath grew more intense. I opened my eyes, but the memories didn’t stop; they kept playing, like a montage in a movie - jumping from scene to scene. I started crying. I didn’t know what to do. It felt like my body was on the edge of something terrible, like I was going to die.
Logically I knew I wasn’t, but it felt like I was - the memories just kept coming. But they didn’t feel like memories. It felt like it was all happening again, right now. What was happening to me?
I broke down completely, tears streaming down my face. I felt this mix of deep sadness for the memories, fear that felt as raw as when the events first happened, and a crushing sense of helplessness.
Eventually, there was a pause in the tears. I got up, walked to the tiny shared bathroom, and shut the door. I splashed my face with cold water and began to settle a bit. I took some slow, deep breaths while staring at myself in the mirror.
The memories were still there, but now I was also fully present. I could see them as memories, not as if they were happening all over again.
“Why did that just happen?” I thought. Even though it was over and I was back in the present, I didn’t feel safe.
It felt like there was something in my mind with the power to pull me back into a nightmare at any moment—without my consent. Holy shit.
In that moment, I made a commitment to learn how to heal. There had to be a way to stop this from happening, to take back control and find emotional safety in my life.
And that was the beginning of a long road to healing—and eventually, helping others heal, too.
Understanding These Experiences
What I went through were what we call visual and emotional flashbacks. I was re-living memories as if I were back in them, unable to get out.
In the healing world, we call this “Unnecessary Suffering.” It’s a symptom of trauma that, with healing, can decrease and eventually fade away - thank goodness.
I am happy to share that I have healed enough that I haven’t experienced these flashbacks in this way in a few years. I share this to ignite hope - if I can heal this way, so can you!
Unnecessary suffering is different from what we call “necessary suffering,” which refers to the regular pain and discomfort we all experience as part of the human condition.
For example, we all feel heartbroken when a significant relationship ends, and deep grief when we lose someone we love. We all experience pain from betrayal, and worry when we hear about a natural disaster heading our way.
These are normal, unavoidable emotions. What we learn through healing is how to expand our capacity to sit with these feelings until they pass through us.
But unnecessary suffering, like what I experienced, is something we can heal. It doesn’t have to be part of our everyday lives.
Some other symptoms of trauma, or “unnecessary suffering,” can include:
Chronic anxiety
Freezing when there’s a task to complete
Getting triggered easily in romantic relationships
Constant worry about friendships or romantic relationships
Difficulty finding inner peace or steadiness
Catastrophizing when things go wrong
Feeling depressed or having low self-esteem
Hypervigilance about how others perceive you
Difficulty eating, binging, purging, and/or over-exercising.
Turning to alcohol or drugs to manage anxiety and discomfort
This isn’t a complete list, but are some examples of what we can heal from to feel better.
The good news? We can heal from all of these things. ✨
Do you want to learn more about how? I have two options for you:
A 4-week live course where we’ll dive into why these symptoms happen, why they make sense, and how to heal them. Learn more here.
Don’t have the time for a course? No problem! I also offer a 1-hour mini-course that covers the foundations of complex trauma, its impact, and some tools for healing. Learn more here.
Healing is possible. And I’m here, rooting for your journey.
Rebecca Prolman, LMFT